Did you ever have to run away from home?
Lots of people are forced to leave everything behind. Maybe you were. It could be you’ve lost a child or a parent, a spouse, a pet or a friend. Perhaps the person is still living, but lost to you. There’s a grieving that goes with that, and it can’t be avoided.
I was forced to leave my home behind, and I’m sure some of you have left a home, too.
I put everything I had into Core Hollow. The gardens that sustained us, the woods that provided us with apples, mushrooms and black berries, the cattle I had raised, Artie Cat and Dody Dog. I had to run out the door, and leave it all behind.
What happened?
I had lived under the complete control of another person, my husband, for years. That colored everything I did, and, as I discovered, everything I was.
How does control like that happen?? Gradually, friend, gradually, like the old tale of a frog in hot water. Some people have asked me, seriously: “How could anyone be so dumb as to put themselves totally under the control of another person?”
Clinical definitions of ‘narcissism’ and ‘coercive control’ fail to describe the systemic erosion of another human being. Because, of course, it’s far more than simply a situation that can be brushed off with questions like: “Why didn’t you just leave?
Coercive control of another is not just a personality trait. It steals the right to reality, the right to liberty, the right to financial stability. Instead of a personality trait, it is an engine that systematically punishes a person or a family and the cost to society is huge, and silent. No one is getting beaten up, after all. As noted in Foolednomore.org, our current systems are designed for ‘high-impact’ disputes, not for identifying the silent ‘pathological power imbalance’ inherent in coercive control relationships.
Did I tell you I also had 3 children? There is a generational toll, here. The harm to children is far-reaching also, but that is a topic for another time.
Some people consider children an impediment, and they have their reasons. Single mothers have it rough, and some never recover financially. In my case, my children were grown, and had left home for similar reason to mine. My son offered me a place to live in the home he had bought. Without that offer, I would be going nowhere but to the street. I was effectively, homeless, at 52 years old.
I was finally free and lived happily ever after, right?
I’m not going to lie and say getting away made everything better, although I have lied about that on occasion, just to make myself seem ‘well adjusted’. As the old saying goes, “Your chickens will come home to roost.” Later there is the long dreary trail of having to make sense of it all, of your role in the abuse, making a living and above all, the children’s struggles after the fact. It takes possibly another lifetime to really understand this abuse and put it behind you.
Am I now going to tell you how to put it behind you and wrap this up nicely?
No, I won’t lie to you. It’s a very long process. I lost everything I had, but, I did not lose my children. That’s an important consideration. We stayed together, albeit somewhat frayed around the edges. We were forged at Core Hollow. We loved Core Hollow; we don’t want to forget, we can’t forget. But we were able to move on.