Dealing with Social Isolation and Chronic Loneliness

If the family dog is isolated, he makes sure to bark annoyingly until someone responds, or he digs under a fence and voila! Freedom!

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Dealing with chronic loneliness

Some of us are facing the same kind of helpless isolation, but, unlike the unhappy dog, we don’t make noise and there’s no digging out.

Every one of us feels down and lonely once in a while. Maybe a new work place seems unfriendly. Maybe a move to a new area isn’t what we thought it would be.

Maybe we just retired and — now what? This is the kind of ordinary loneliness that probably will pass.

There is another kind of loneliness and it poses the same kind of risk as any chronic disease. That is chronic loneliness.

How does chronic loneliness affect us?

The answer is surprising, and it is not the one we wanted to hear. Chronic loneliness is as threatening to health and well-being as obesity or smoking. According to the CDC, Loneliness and social isolation in older adults are serious public health risks affecting a significant number of people in the United States and putting them at risk for dementia and other serious medical conditions.

In fact, social isolation is thought to shrink the brain!

Neuroscience posits that chronic loneliness doesn’t always result from a lack of opportunity to meet others or a fear of social interactions. Instead, circuits in our brain and changes in our behavior due to isolation can paint us into a corner. While we may wish relationships with others, we automatically view them as disappointing, judgmental and unfriendly. Consequently, we keep our distance, consciously or unconsciously rejecting potential opportunities for connections.

A study published in 2022 revealed that, although threatening social situations trigger more amygdala activity in some of us suffering from social anxiety, it doesn’t work that way for those who are lonely.

People with social anxiety have diminished activity in the reward sections of their brain, but that seems not to be true for lonely, isolated people. Those describing themselves as lonely picked up on negative vibes featuring images of rejection within 120 milliseconds — twice as quickly as people with satisfying relationships, and all within the blink of an eye!

Lonely people also preferred to stand farther away from strangers, trusted others less and disliked physical touch.

You don’t necessarily have to be living alone to be completely isolated from everything that once gave life meaning and color.

Chronic loneliness can be internal, not necessarily a life without human contact. Quality of relationships comes to mind. Many times we have heard that all married couples are healthier than singles. It is true that generally, middle-aged married couples may be healthier, if not happier.

Married or cohabiting people tended to have a 0.21% decrease in blood sugar levels compared to singles, researchers found.

If applied to the general population, such a decrease would result in 25% fewer deaths related to high blood sugar levels, the study authors said.

The amount of conflict in the relationship seemed to have no bearing upon blood sugar control. (Feb. 6 in BMJ Open Diabetes Research & Care.)

If the couple divorced or broke up, all bets were off, and their blood sugar rose.

Loneliness in marriage

A marriage filled with conflict lacks a very important edge against loneliness — intimacy. These marriages are often empty and angry, but, as one dear friend states: “We’re too old to make changes now, too old to divorce and start new lives.”

The loneliness is laced with frustration, because it seems changes cannot be made due to circumstances. My friend states: ” He fills his life with hobbies — and I suspect, affairs, but I can’t be sure about those. He sleeps in his own room. I know I am not as attractive as I once was, but his rudeness and jokes at my expense make me so sad.”

Women with no money and no prospects

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Some women are forced to stay in lonely, loveless relationships because they have no money and no prospects. Age, disability and low-level employment after raising children keeps them from changing their unhappy lifestyles. Financial security is a first concern for many older women.

According to Opinion, FA Playbook, CNBC news, studies show that women are typically more stressed about money than men.

According to PricewaterhouseCoopers’ 2019 Employee Financial Wellness Survey, 65% of women and 52% of men said that financial matters cause them the most stress. Money is a top cause of stress for Americans, in general.

For some, talking about money to a therapist is harder than talking about sex!

The years spent raising children can erase much of the earning potential of women, and that’s hard to regain, as skills are lost to the very bottom rung of starting over in a profession.

Chronic illness

Then there is chronic illness of a spouse. For older people, the many faces of dementia, its delusions, physical and cognitive decline stretch agonizing loss into years and even decades. The man Angela married 14 years ago and loved intensely is gone, even though responsibility for his care remains. He was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease and Lewy body dementia. Since then, Angela and Ned’s lives have compressed in scope to a crucible of dull routine — and terrible loneliness for Angela. Her situation seems insurmountable, and there is no end visible. Doctors say that Ned could live between five and 20 years longer.

Death of a spouse or companion

Jan and her husband had been married 28 years when he suddenly committed suicide by hanging himself. Strangely, she recalls, he was only 53, had no history of depression, no marital, financial or family problems — that she knows about.

“The loneliness I’ve felt since his death remains one of the hardest things to cope with, and also to get others to understand,’ says Jan, who works as a management consultant. “For me, loneliness has many facets — walking back into an empty house, having no one with whom to share stories or news, or to ask me how my day has been. I miss Ian’s physical presence — not just in the sense of kissing or hugging, but also the fleeting touch of a hand on my shoulder or arm.”

Physical affection and intimacy

These are often discounted for older people, but they are the armor to stave off loneliness and depression. Sex improves immunity to disease and leads to growth of new brain cells, according to Integrative Nutrition.

On the down side, lack of skin-to-skin affection causes negative effects for babies who lie alone in over-crowded orphanages without nurturing. Mood and anxiety issues and secondary immune disorders appear.

New figures published by the Office for National Statistics confirm that we are in the grip of a loneliness epidemic in this country, with poor health and the loss of a loved one both playing a major part in this troubling social phenomenon.

Is there a solution to chronic loneliness?

Not always. But things will not change without effort on the part of the lonely. That effort might be to have a separate life — at least mentally, to the demands of an ill person or the corrosive erosion of an unhappy marriage. A separate life might seem disloyal and unloving, especially when espoused to a chronically ill individual, but survival takes precedence. No one can be fully present for another when suffering from burnout. Caring for yourself is the most important thing you can do, because you will never have another you.

Volunteering

This may be the last thing a person who is a caregiver at home wants to do, but, for those trapped in difficult marriages, it is the perfect way to learn something new, meet new people and feel of value to others once again.

Pursue a hobby

Hobbies can mean setting a goal, like learning a musical instrument or painting a picture, knitting a sweater, detailing an old car.

How about writing letters? You would be amazed at how happy people are to get letters, especially if in hospitals, rehab institutions or correctional institutions. In doing so, a person may need to fish around for positive messages to write about!

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Pet adoption

A pet is always ready to buddy up, and gives meaning and purpose to life. Pets draw new friends to themselves, and by proxy, their human!

If you are homebound

Statistically, 12% of Americans say they have no friends, many isolating themselves at home. A comment on Reddit reports:

“I used to think I (had friends) until I realized no one called me once I stopped calling them.”

One lady states on The Friendship Blog: “One of my most hated answers to any psychological issue is “Stay close to your friends and family etc. Another recent major annoyance is at a hospital or doctor’s office when they ask you for next of kin and I say I have none, they argue with me. Well you must have a friend then. No I do not. They actually get mad at me!”

This is a tough one. Perhaps a co-living arrangement can be sought, where a person could live with another unrelated adult for mutual support. This will not be easy to orchestrate, as it would require a thorough background check. Social services for seniors might be of some help. Sometimes there are outreach programs that provide emotional and logistical support for homebound seniors.

Making new friends is difficult when stuck at home with illness or lack of transportation. Home visitation services abound, and there are services to transport people and get them out to shop, go to worship or recreation. Internet connections abound, and online socializing works well for groups with common interests. These groups often have meetings via Zoom, which is a free app for phone or computer and fosters face-to-face communication with new friends.

These solutions are very few. I am sure there are many more. They will not work for everyone, but willingness to absolve chronic loneliness is essential to good health.

It is up to you to make the effort to change things.

Goodlookinoldwomen.com

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